Counselor's Page

Counselor's Corner

Ms. Edie Ogan
Middle School Guidance Counselor
Phone: (816) 732-4125
Email: eogan@holden.k12.mo.us

March 2008 Newsletter

Student Job Shadowing Guide

- Ways Busy Parents Can Help
Children Succeed in Middle School

-- Where's My Sweet Child?

- Under Too Much Pressure?

Resources for Parenting Teens

Visit these online resources for parents of teenagers for insights and advice on parenting your child. These resources are recommended for parents by Mrs. Smart.

  >> Elks Drug Education
  >> Logging on to Less Conflict
  >> Netsmartz Internet Safety
  >> Parents-Teens.com
  >> Parents Guide to Kids & Alcohol
  >> Stop Bullying Now

 IsYour Child Under Too Much Pressure?

A little pressure can be a good thing. It can help us meet deadlines. It can force us to get organized. It can give us the boost we need to do our best.

But too much stress can be harmful-for adults and for children. Today's children face more pressures than any other generation-and they need help dealing with them.

Here's how you can create a family atmosphere that will help you examine and reduce the stresses that may be facing your child.

Are You Putting Too Much Pressure On Your Child?

A recent study asked children to name their biggest worry. They said it was the intense pressure to do well in school and sports.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• When you watch your child in an athletic event, do you criticize his performance afterwards? Or do you try to focus on the fun of playing the game?
• What happens when your child brings home a test? Do you first talk about the questions she go wrong? Or do you look for what she got right?
• Do most of your conversations with your child focus on the things she hasn't done? ("Clean your room!" "You forgot to feed the dog.") Or do you try to say something positive as often as possible?

Teach Children the Difference Between
"Doing Your Best" and "Being the Best"

Stress becomes unhealthy when the demands parents place on their children become unrealistic. That's why it's important to emphasize doing their best rather than being the best. It's also important to remind your child that no one can be best in everything. Let him know that you love him because of who he is-not what he does.

Help Competitive Children Relieve Stress

Competitive children are most vulnerable to stress. If you have a competitive child, teach her some healthy ways to reduce the stress in her life.

Here are some suggestions:

• Turn problems into challenges. If your child is feeling stress because of a major project that is due in school, help her break it down into smaller chunks-and celebrate her success in completing each section.
• Find things your child can learn from a disappointment. Perhaps he made some new friends. Perhaps she learned that she needs to begin her science project sooner than the night before it's due!
• Teach your child to play by the rules. Telling children that "winning is everything" creates unhealthy stress -- and unhealthy values. What really matters is how you play the game.
• Exercise regularly. One of the best ways to relieve stress and tension is through physical activity.
• Make sure your child does some things just for fun. If she's getting too stressed out before a big test, rent a funny video and relax for an hour or so. The laugh may do her more good than another hour of studying.
• Be a good role model yourself. The way you handle stress shows your child how to cope. If you turn to alcohol or cigarettes, your child may be more likely to try those things, too.
• Talk it out. Sometimes, your understanding ear may be all it takes to get your child through a rough time.
• Make sure your child gets enough sleep. It's even more difficult to handle stress when you're exhausted.

Setting Priorities: Do the Right Things Right

Trying to do too much can be a major cause of stress. Learning to set priorities is one of the best ways that children can deal with the stress in their lives.

Teach your children an important rule of time management: It's not enough to do things right. It's more important to do the right things right.

If your child has trouble using time wisely, have her make a list of everything she wants to do. Then set priorities. What's most important? Only when she's done the right things right can she move on to those lower-priority items.

What If Your Child Has Special Talents?

There are some children whose gifts -- as a performer, an athlete or a student -- appear very early. Parents can help these students develop their talent, while still keeping school and family life in balance. Here are some suggestions:

• Encourage a disciplined, organized lifestyle. Practice should be part of the regular family routine, but so should chores or time for reading.
• Don't let your child sacrifice his education for his talent.
• Let your child set the pace. Provide opportunities, but don't take over.

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

When children are under too much pressure, experts say the place to start to get it under control is right at home. Parents can make sure they are not the source of unhealthy pressure.

Parents can teach children how to set priorities and how to keep their strengths and weaknesses in perspective. Perhaps most important, parents can show children, by their own example, how to handle the daily pressures we all face.

(from the Parent Institute)

   >>  What Parents Should Know ...
    Where's My Sweet Child?

Oh, the innocence of childhood. Where is the child who did her chores when asked…who eagerly responded when asked to help? She's been replaced by a rolling-eyed girl who wants to wear provocative clothing.

The answer to each of these questions is easy if you have a pre-teen! That child has stepped one foot into early adolescence.

All parents experience a defining moment when your loving, sweet, affectionate child appears to become a moody, bundle of raging hormones overnight. The back talk and eye rolling become more apparent and, in present time, you get the "Duh" reaction a lot. Don't despair! Just read on to understand.

While this transition is different for every child, early adolescence is usually between 10 and 15 years of age. Adolescence follows early adolescence and then moves into adulthood.

There are more changes during early adolescence than any other time of life (other than infancy). Some of the changes included physical size and strength, thinking and reasoning, feelings and emotions, and relationships with family and friends.

When you begin to understand why early adolescents behave the way they do, you can be more relaxed and maintain a sense of humor during this critical time for your child.

Even when it seems to become more difficult to raise an early adolescent, when arguments increase about clothes, music, friends, etc., you need to remember a few simple facts:

• You are the most important person in your child's life.
• Your ability to keep your sense of humor will help reduce the stress in your parent/child relationship.
• Your child's annoying or frustrating behaviors are normal and will pass because, beneath the spike or bleached hair, baggy pants and unusual jewelry is an individual who will blossom into a mature, caring adult.
• Keep your home a "safe place" for your child to be comfortable, accepted and free to express his opinions.
• Your child will grow up quickly. Make the most of this stage and recognize that your child will never be this age again.

This is a stage of contradictions, your child may say "take me shopping, but don't let any of my friends see you." Just remember, you are still very needed to guide and teach your child. Don't let their behavior push you away during early adolescence and adolescence.  

  >> Ways Busy Parents Can Help
Children Succeed in Middle School

Research shows that early adolescence is one of the two most critical periods in a child's life. The other time is early childhood. It is during these times that children need adult help the most.

The problem is middle school parents are already so busy that they hardly have time to brush their teeth. How can we find the time to help our children succeed in school?

Use Car Time. To get your child to really talk, you've got to really listen. Turn off the car radio. (You'll never agree on a station anyway.) Ask, "What would you like to talk about?" And then force yourself to be quiet and listen. "Repeat" the question with a silent glance if necessary, but be quiet. Listen … wait … and don't be surprised if you end up having the best conversation you've had in years.

Set Priorities. Have a choice between cooking a fancy dinner or talking with your child about school? Order a pizza and talk.

Spend One-On-One Time. "Quality" time is a deceptive myth. What children really need is "quantity" time with parents. They need time to talk with you. Time to see and hear how you would apply your experience and your values to the problems they face. There's nothing like spending time alone with a parent to make a child of any age feel special. Try making an appointment to spend some time alone with your child each week. Write it on your calendar. Then treat that appointment as seriously as you would an important business meeting.

Remember the 80/20 Rule. Business often use something they call the "80/20 Rule." Use this rule as you decide how to spend your time. Instead of just "doing things right," you'll start "doing the right things."

Volunteer After Hours. It's great if you can help out at school. But, you don't always have to make time during the day to be a "volunteer" for your child's middle school. Check with your child's teachers to see if there are things like these you can do at home or after the school day:

• Collect and send in materials the teacher needs for a class project.
• List community resources that support what the class is studying.
• Prepare food from a country one of your child's classes is studying.
• Recruit other parents to volunteer.
• Enlist businesses to donate to a school fund-raiser.
• Attend school events held in the evening-band concerts, plays athletic events, art fairs.
• Put together 'Welcome Kits' for families new to your school.

Exchange Notes with Your Child. Notes are a great way for busy parents to keep the lines of communication open with their children, while building self-esteem and writing skills at the same time.

When you have a few free moments throughout your day, write a note to your child.

Compliment her on a job well done, or just let her know you are thinking about her. Write about the things you are doing at work, or something that's been on your mind. And ask your child to write you back.

You can exchange notes in the morning before school, or right before bedtime. Middle school aged children need to be reminded often that you love them. Notes are another way to say, "I love you."

Five Years from Now ...

Remember, five years from now, your kids won't remember the night you left the dishes in the sink. But, they'll treasure forever the memory of the walk you took with them to look at the night sky.